To France, we go....

            5 hours before my flight was scheduled to depart from the Heathrow Airport, my travel companions and I loaded up a bus and were on our way out of the Olympic Village for good.  The airport had generously set up an entirely separate check-in and security building for the Olympic Games and we were treated to short lines and a decorated waiting area. Set up in a London-theme, the room had several photo opportunities while you waited to proceed- a dressed up soldier, telephone booth and Buckingham Palace backdrop! From there, we were bused directly to our terminal where we were greeted by the applause of an enthusiastic group of volunteers sending us on our way to reconnect with the rest of society and board our designated planes! Even sitting in the busy airport waiting for the flight, I began to feel my mind and body get lighter and lighter. This feeling became more and more evident when we arrived in Toulouse and headed into the French countryside, through fields of sunflowers and vineyards and past beautiful churches and castles.  It became one of those deals where you don’t realize just how tight and uptight you were until you actually begin to loosen up. This pace of life was so much more my speed; I had a feeling that my recovery time in this environment was going to be considerably quicker than the fast, constant motion of the city.

The meet I was headed to was a fun one! Usually held at the end of the season, it was early this year but a perfect come down from the Games.  Despite the fact that there was a nice prize purse for the winning team, the USA usually has a comfortable lead from start to finish and it is about the least amount of individual pressure you could feel at a track meet.  This year, the timing served to remind us all that despite the hoopla and anxiety of earlier that month, we are ultimately just a bunch of kids out playing around in a circle! The French Track Federation puts on the meet in different locations throughout the country and invites 8 other nations to compete across 10 selected events.  For this reason it is excellent for spectators, condensed into only a few short hours of nonstop action! We compete for bragging rights and a nice paycheck but in addition, we are treated like royalty, wined and dined and well taken care of! The USA meet organizers also like to spoil us, taking us somewhere special for dinner two nights before and encouraging us to relax and have a good time throughout.  Last year they took us into Monaco for a dinner that I will probably never in my life be able to match.  This year, slightly less flashy but equally as pleasant, we were hosted by a family winery for a tasting session and homemade tapas dinner!  Again, it was exactly what I needed to detox from the London city living! Lulled by the sound of moving water right outside our window, I slept wonderfully in our accommodations- an old mill turned into a hotel, on the bank of a river-and woke up feeling pretty good the morning of the race.

I had no idea what would be left in my body and I lined up on the starting line with the mindset of running a smooth and efficient race. This translated into taking the lead early to sight the barriers and running from the front to the finish without challenge for my very first European win (don’t tell anyone there were only 6 people in my race and the time was not very fast!) I was happy with the results and glad to have performed well for my parents who had followed me by train to see what a more typical day-in-the-life of European summer track meets was for me.  They were able to snag tickets to the dinner afterward and I was glad to get to share the last bit of their vacation with them before we again parted ways!

Toot-a-loo Londontown!

After my race, life in the Village was not what I expected it to turn into. Before my race, I had looked to the time when I would be done competing as a time to let my hair down a bit- celebrate the accomplishment of being here and see the city and other events.  The reality of the situation was that when I walked off the track I felt as if someone had popped my tires.  I don’t think it was just because I was disappointed and embarrassed but the fact of knowing that this thing I had been working so long for had past maybe subconsciously allowed my body to let go of the motivation, self-restraint, and composure that had defined my preparation.  I hadn’t been sleeping well in the Village since I got there and had put so much energy into recovering from the Prelim and conserving energy until I was done that I walked out of the stadium after the Final in a state of exhaustion that I never knew existed.  For a few days afterward I walked around like a zombie that no amount of caffeine could resurrect.

I know myself when I get in this zone and I hate it! I feel myself scowling, weighted down and consumed by my thoughts, too tired to even turn the corners of my mouth into smile.  Throughout the day I have moments where I feel like sitting down, wherever I am, and crying for a few minutes before continuing on to my destination. As indecisive as I am when I am rested, I become 100 times worse in this state and expend way too much energy being mad at myself for choosing whatever I ended up deciding.  

Needless to say, I was in no state to ‘hit the clubs’ and even walking the half mile from the Village to the train station to go anywhere in the city took some major psyching up.  This is it though-as much a part of the Olympic experience as listening to the roar of the crowd and seeing the flags of hundreds of nations blowing together in the breeze. The side of the Olympians, medalists or not, few people are aware of.  There is a cost to committing so much of yourself to something.  As an athlete, its just one more aspect of preparation you have to be ready to manage appropriately.  I have always had a tough time in this department.  My college coach used to call it H.I.C.- High Intensity Comedown.  I come down all right, nose-diving into a heap of worthlessness. This time, the fact that I wanted so badly to enjoy everything going on around me just added to the pressure I was putting on myself and made me angrier. I proved that not only do I have a lot to learn about pacing myself to finish stronger in the Finals, but also pacing my emotions for an event of this magnitude.  I make it out to be all negative but on the flip side, maybe this is precisely the reason I was able to make it as far as I have in the sport. I think this is like anything else that defines an elite athlete- usually your biggest downfall also ends up becoming your most valuable asset. It could be simply a matter of how you channel it and whether you can learn to manage it positively.

Finally the day of Closing Ceremonies I somehow rallied and woke up feeling slightly more rejuvenated than the past week.  Even though I planned on doing a few more races this summer (the next one only two days away), I had decided that it was going to be more worth it to again walk and round out the total experience.  As I buttoned up the little white Ralph Lauren dress and cocked my hat to the appropriate angle in the mirror, I finally noticed an effortless, genuine smile looking back.  I am an Olympian!

Outside my competition, Closing Ceremonies turned out to be my favorite part of the 2012 London Olympic experience. It was no less walking and standing than Opening Ceremonies but if we were willing to give up our front row standing spots, we could find floor space to rest our legs for a few minutes.  Many famous performers were featured from the past and present British music scene and the fact that we were so close made up for the slight sound disconnect. It was amazing to watch the dancers and singers move to a beat that was several seconds ahead of the song, having to perform in such a huge arena where the light and sound dissipated differently! From a huge inflatable octopus van to a rolling pirate ship to a man being shot from a cannon and a tightrope walker turning his target into flames, the costumes and stunts were crazy, some slightly random and over my level of understanding, but all impressive! Lots more pictures were taken of my track friends and I got to meet one of the mountain bikers who had just come from his competition that morning! And so, to the bang of fireworks, the dismantling of the torch and the christening of a fiery, Brazilian phoenix, London 2012 was a wrap. 

Finals.

Too….much….emotion!  Pride, Embarrassment, Excitement, Relief…..system overload….syyyyssstteeeemmmm shuuuutttddooowwwnn.  All year I have talked about a specific quality of the sport that I love most.  The thing about it that makes it so pure and amazing, the fact that it forces you to dig so deeply into yourself and give every ounce of energy in order to achieve your goals.  You have to be willing to explore your depths and be closer to your limits than you have ever dared to be.  Usually you surprise yourself in how far you can go, that is why it is fun and addicting but there is always a flip side.

This is when you dig that deep and expose yourself so completely, only to find out that it wasn’t as much as you hoped for, as you made yourself believe.  You will never have known or cared if you didn’t risk everything but in risking everything….you risk everything. Usually, its not that big a deal, maybe you have a bad race or two, before you find your realistic limitations.   But its ok because the only people following track and field that closely understand. There will be another race to change or tweak a faulty strategy or cut back the pace if it was just a matter of going out too hard in the early stages. Your coach knows and will help you adjust.  But what do you do when this happens to you in front of a truly international broadcasting? In front of friends and family, who don’t watch any other race, who don’t know the backstory or really care much about the rest of the season?  Afterall, that is the beauty of the Olympics right, the fact that people actually watch it.  That is why you want to have your fastest time HERE, your best performance NOW.  So that was the embarrassment. I am so happy to hear that so many people have been enjoying the Games and were excited to see me race! I am so honored to have been able to give them someone local to watch and cheer for. I really wish I would have been able to hold it together for just a few more laps than I did.  I gave it all in the prelims- mentally, physically, emotionally.  I thought I would be able to rally for the finals but I just wasn’t strong enough this year.  Next year I will know, I will be fitter and not have to expend myself so much just to make the finals. My focus will be the finals and not the prelims. It will be very different.

But despite the end result, I can’t help but allow myself to be proud to have made it to the finals in the first place.  It was a huge step for me and as bad and embarrassing as it was to be in last place, I would rather have been there than watching the final from the seats in the stadium. Its the experience of being there that will allow me to be in that pack and beyond in a the coming months and years.  Most people think that its all about one race every four years but in the Track and Field World, we get to race this caliber three out of four years- last year I was at the World Championships wishing I was in the final. This year at the Olympics, I built on that and went a step further. Next year, hopefully I will again be at the World Championships able to build on my Olympic experience and go even one step further.

Not only will I walk away from this year progressing in physical capacity but I will be stronger and tougher inside too. From the Olympic stories I had heard, I knew it was going to be an emotional roller coaster. I had no idea what that really meant until now.  Walking off that track I don’t know that I have ever felt as emotionally drained.  The Trials were the worst but I felt that I had enough time in the peace and quite of West London to rejuvenate and recharge adequately to be able to gear up again for the Games. I know that this is the nature of the Olympics, no matter how many times you do it, I think it will probably not be any less stressful but at least I will have a better idea of what to expect and be more prepared to deal with it. I have learned so much this year and am so thankful to have been given this wonderful opportunity.  I wanted more but I had given it all that I had. 

FINALS?!!!

As I walked off the track, I felt a peace that I haven’t felt after a race in a really long time. I didn’t know my time or if I would advance to finals but I felt like I had run the best race I could have on today.  This feeling is the essence of why I compete. If I could walk off the track after each competition knowing I gave it a good, honest run, it would be a glorious season.  Its really not too much to ask; a lot of athletes can do it. But the last two years my consistency and internal gauge has been challenging. Anyway, I was happy.

I went into the race telling myself that this was it.  This was why I trained so hard, what my coach coached me for, the pinnacle of any competition I will ever do. There was no reason to save anything or not taper completely going into this race and I was as fresh and fit as I have ever been.  This prelim was The Race for me.  My seed time was such that I knew if I wanted to make finals I would probably have to run a personal best. I did not have the luxury to save anything in case I would advance and have to run again in two days. If I had any hope at all I would have to lay it down now.  And so I did.

            Inspired by the tenacity and guts of the men steeplechasers and Emma Coburn (the other American women who advanced in the heat before me), I ran with confidence. I got out hard and went to the front of the pack.  I heard the crowd as a dull roar around me but remained focused how I felt and what pace we were running.  Two, three laps in we were cruising. Usually, this would be good for a prelim, conserving energy, but today I couldn’t afford it.  Spurred by this comfortable, easy pace (and the pungent aroma of the Ethiopean girl beside me), I made a move.  I knew the other girls were strong; if it came down to a sprint finish, I would most likely be out of the auto qualifiers anyways and the race would have been too slow for anyone to make it into the finals on time.  If I wanted a shot, I would have to push early, make it a faster pace than the heats before. I hesitated for just a second because of the light breeze but brushed it off and moved into the front. There were several advantages to this- being able to sight the barriers better and run your own rhythm, tucking into lane 1 to run the least distance, etc.

I didn’t have to lead for long before the others girls took over and began their push to the finish but I had done my job. I had kept the honest pace through the middle of the race, when things could’ve slowed and time would have been wasted. They would take it from here, at least as fast, if not faster to the finish.  All I had to do now was hang on. A few people strung it out and I dug in. I stumbled on the last water barrier and was sloppy over the hurdles but I was running strong. I crossed the line in 5^th or 6^th but smiled as I looked around, content with my effort and enjoying the crowd!

I was brushed along, weaving through the media mix zone and was stopped by a group of reporters from the States.  I don’t think they knew the impact they would cause with their first question……“How does it feel to have made it to the Olympic Final?”

“What?! Are you sure? How do you know?!”  When it had been confirmed, I let out a few happy shouts of joy before my eyes welled up with tears. They just kind of stood there.  Their shock wore off quickly as they fired a few more questions.  “What did it mean to me and what motivated me coming into the race?” I had been to two World Championships but never made a final. In my mind, I was healthy and had no reason not to move on, take the next step.  I was healthy, I was here.  Many of my teammates and training partners hadn’t made it this far. They had worked just as hard but hadn’t been as lucky as I had.  I didn’t want to take this opportunity for granted because of them.  I didn’t want them to see me make it this far to run an uninspired, blah race because I knew that if they were here, they would have given everything and made it to the finals. The steeplechasers before me had blazed the trail and showed me the way.  They proved that finals don’t just happen, you have to make them happen- the final wasn’t going to just come to me, I would have to go get it.

 When they released me on my merry way, I walk/ran quickly back to the warmup track where Coach Row was waiting.  He smiled and gave me a big hug.  He told me he was really proud of me and how I had run. He wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to do it before the race but the experience of the final was going to be very valuable.  It meant a lot for me to see him so excited.  He told me to run the final for me now. I had nothing to lose.  Now I just needed to recover and see what would happen!

Opening Ceremonies

Wow. There is really no better way to describe the Olympic Village.  We packed an overnight bag and caught the train across town for the first time the day before the Opening Ceremonies.  We zigzagged our way around fences and through gates to get our passes (credentials) and before we knew it, we were there- looking up at a neighborhood of high-rise apartments.  Dotting the balconies and windows were flags from all countries imaginable.  People wearing athletic gear in every color of the rainbow wandered around gawking with the same expression I knew I wore as I took it all in. Following instructions, I found my room and opened the door to more gifts than I ever found under the Christmas tree! Two duffle bags and two backpacks filled with Ralph Lauren and Nike, hats, shirts, shorts, sweaters, sunglasses, shoes, and undergarments. An Olympic addition comforter covered my bed and Procter and Gamble toiletry items were waiting there for my convenience! Six girls shared my suite- three rooms of two and one single- with two bathrooms.  It was a pretty high powered group- the fastest women in the world this year and the world gold medalist in the 1500m are among them- but then again, everyone around here is something to talk about!

            The dining hall was as amazing as I had been told.  It was a huge building several football field lengths long with food from every region of the world! To clear up any confusion, there IS, in fact, a large McDonalds with almost a full menu of their usual goodies- all free! This situation will be amazing when I am finished competing but before, it takes incredible self-control and a game plan going in! For someone like myself who is VERY indecisive, all these options are a little overwhelming. The amount of people that flow through is what blows your mind…just seeing so many bodies in one place, in lines, constantly moving, pressuring you to hurry up because they are hungry behind you! YIKES!

            The experience of the opening ceremonies is also something I have been told a lot about and was anxious to see what my personal experience would be. There was some concern about our outfits because despite having been custom fitted, many of them were coming back to us VERY wrong.  And those that were complaining, were the people who had actually received theirs….many were being delivered in quite a laid-back fashion and with only hours to spare, some people still hadn’t been given anything to wear!

In the end things worked themselves out and despite the usual gripes and moans, everyone came to the meeting point that night primped and groomed and looking great! With the range of shapes and sizes and people that Team USA is made up of, I was curious to see how we would turn out looking. In my opinion, Ralph Lauren did a fabulous job choosing an outfit that seemed to flatter everyone. Track and Field hung together early, mostly taking pictures with friends among ourselves but as we stood around, people began to get brave and venture to meet other sports.  Basketball won the award for Most Coveted Pictures, as they were practically mobbed!  We officially lined up around 9:00 and we stood around taking pictures and mingling for about an hour before we began moving.  As we paraded toward the stadium, we were greeted by people who had not been able to get tickets to the ceremony.  They lined our path, cheering excitedly and flashing pictures of TEAM USA!!! Aside from random clips of audio we would occasionally pick up indicating what country was being announced, there were no screens or warnings or anything for us to know what was going on ahead of us.  Our long, slow, start-stop walk began to drag on and get old, but the fatigue onset was countered by the growing anticipation as the massive Stadium loomed closer by the second. We entered through a tunnel, backstage and quiet…..suddenly we were walking out to the roar of thousands of people! The stands were in shadows but the flash of a zillion cameras and phones sparkled high up into the sky, reminding us just how tall the seats rose around us.  Huge TV cameras swung out on arms around us and down from wires above. Drummers created a constant pounding that synced up with the beat of our excited hearts. There was so much to look at, so much to feel, so much to try to absorb!

            I had lost my friends in the commotion and was just doing my best to get to the outside, hoping to somehow get onto a broadcast back home.  We did a loop around the floor and ended in a mash of athletes in the center. 

Wow, I am here!

Looking up at the screen, I tried my best to pay attention to the speaker and the program through all the flashes and music.  At one point, I began to feel everyone around me closing in tight and looked up to see Koby Bryant 5 feet away- mingling and being mobbed with people trying to get a picture! High in the stands I could pick out the Queen herself surrounded by the royal family watching the show. I must have looked like a deer in headlights spinning around and around trying to see everything all at once! When it was all over, I walked back to the village by myself, buzzing with disbelief and appreciation for this amazing opportunity!

            By the time I got back to Bushy Park the next day I found myself subconsciously decompressing.  While the ceremony had certainly been a thrill, I misjudged how emotionally draining the whole Village experience was! As I returned to the comfort of this relaxed environment, I noticed the contrast like fire and water. First moving into the Village, I dreaded the crosstown train-trek back and forth but now realized how much I needed the chance to recharge here for a few more days.  I could now collect myself, process things, and return to the chaos with the right perspective. It had been a great way to kick off the experience but now it was back to the real task at hand. As enthralled as I was about the ceremony, I was even more excited to realize how amped up I was for my chance to compete and actually take part in the event, doing what I love.  In the past, at big meets like this, I am so overwhelmed with the overall experience that my race almost fades in importance but this year was going to be different! I could already feel it!