Finals.

Too….much….emotion!  Pride, Embarrassment, Excitement, Relief…..system overload….syyyyssstteeeemmmm shuuuutttddooowwwnn.  All year I have talked about a specific quality of the sport that I love most.  The thing about it that makes it so pure and amazing, the fact that it forces you to dig so deeply into yourself and give every ounce of energy in order to achieve your goals.  You have to be willing to explore your depths and be closer to your limits than you have ever dared to be.  Usually you surprise yourself in how far you can go, that is why it is fun and addicting but there is always a flip side.

This is when you dig that deep and expose yourself so completely, only to find out that it wasn’t as much as you hoped for, as you made yourself believe.  You will never have known or cared if you didn’t risk everything but in risking everything….you risk everything. Usually, its not that big a deal, maybe you have a bad race or two, before you find your realistic limitations.   But its ok because the only people following track and field that closely understand. There will be another race to change or tweak a faulty strategy or cut back the pace if it was just a matter of going out too hard in the early stages. Your coach knows and will help you adjust.  But what do you do when this happens to you in front of a truly international broadcasting? In front of friends and family, who don’t watch any other race, who don’t know the backstory or really care much about the rest of the season?  Afterall, that is the beauty of the Olympics right, the fact that people actually watch it.  That is why you want to have your fastest time HERE, your best performance NOW.  So that was the embarrassment. I am so happy to hear that so many people have been enjoying the Games and were excited to see me race! I am so honored to have been able to give them someone local to watch and cheer for. I really wish I would have been able to hold it together for just a few more laps than I did.  I gave it all in the prelims- mentally, physically, emotionally.  I thought I would be able to rally for the finals but I just wasn’t strong enough this year.  Next year I will know, I will be fitter and not have to expend myself so much just to make the finals. My focus will be the finals and not the prelims. It will be very different.

But despite the end result, I can’t help but allow myself to be proud to have made it to the finals in the first place.  It was a huge step for me and as bad and embarrassing as it was to be in last place, I would rather have been there than watching the final from the seats in the stadium. Its the experience of being there that will allow me to be in that pack and beyond in a the coming months and years.  Most people think that its all about one race every four years but in the Track and Field World, we get to race this caliber three out of four years- last year I was at the World Championships wishing I was in the final. This year at the Olympics, I built on that and went a step further. Next year, hopefully I will again be at the World Championships able to build on my Olympic experience and go even one step further.

Not only will I walk away from this year progressing in physical capacity but I will be stronger and tougher inside too. From the Olympic stories I had heard, I knew it was going to be an emotional roller coaster. I had no idea what that really meant until now.  Walking off that track I don’t know that I have ever felt as emotionally drained.  The Trials were the worst but I felt that I had enough time in the peace and quite of West London to rejuvenate and recharge adequately to be able to gear up again for the Games. I know that this is the nature of the Olympics, no matter how many times you do it, I think it will probably not be any less stressful but at least I will have a better idea of what to expect and be more prepared to deal with it. I have learned so much this year and am so thankful to have been given this wonderful opportunity.  I wanted more but I had given it all that I had.